


Regret

by gilliandersob



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Cancer Arc, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2014-07-08
Packaged: 2018-02-08 00:53:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1920546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gilliandersob/pseuds/gilliandersob
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mulder sneaks into Scully's hospital room one night, with regret on his mind - can he let her go? Short but sweet!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regret

The room was dimly lit, with only the faint glow of the light over the small sink turned on. The blinking lights of the machines near Scully's head were a beacon, drawing Mulder to the chair that had been home to many these last few days.

Tonight, it was his home. 

He'd tossed and turned on his couch. He kept imagining her here, alone and dying, her almost translucent skin blending with the starched white sheets of the hospital bed. It was ghostly, spooky, yet Mulder didn't want to be anywhere but here. 

She was alone, as he knew she would be - she'd demanded that everyone go home every evening, not wanting even her mother to lose sleep by sitting in an unforgiving chair all night. 'I'll still be here in the morning,' she'd say, smiling at them.

Now, Scully was asleep, breathing deeply. The sound of nurses moving around outside the room quieted as Mulder shut the door behind him. Walking soflty to the chair by her bed, he eased himself down, sighing deeply as he took in the sight of Scully's withering appearance.

Her eyes were shut, but he would swear he could see straight through her eyelids - they appeared paper thin, red around the edges. Dark circles clouded her eyes, and Mulder could tell her skin was dry. He wanted to wake her, tell her to apply some lotion, but he refrained. He'd rather she sleep. 

He bent down near the table by her bed and retrieved the small tube of Chapstick Scully had insisted be within her reach. Mulder looked at her mouth, her usually brilliant red lips had an ash tint to them tonight, her skin cracking with dryness. 

With shaky hands, Mulder uncapped the Chapstick and, as gently as he could, dabbed the end of the waxy substance onto her lips. He watched her eyes, half expecting her to wake up, push his hand away. She didn't though, allowing Mulder to be satisfied with how much he'd gotten to her dry mouth. He pressed his own lips together involuntarily, then placed the cap back on the Chapstick. 

He sat back, trying to relax. Scully would kill him if he knew he came here like this nearly every night. His apartment wasn't comfortable anymore, though. It reminded him of her. She hadn't even spent that much time there, but when she did, she'd leave little reminders behind. She didn't even know she was doing it, but Mulder captured everyone, savoring it now as the fear of losing her enclosed upon him.

###

He knew the exact glass she'd had water in when she came over the first time, when they'd exchanged keys for safety's sake. She'd sat on his couch, sipping from the glass he'd offered. It was a Guinness glass, one he'd gotten while at Oxford. He didn't much care for the drink, but he now loved this glass. It sat in his cupboard, untouched now - he was half afraid to use it, afraid it would wash the memory of her away. It was a simple, stupid thing to remember, to cherish, but he couldn't help it.

"Do your fish have a name, Mulder?" she'd asked, curiously looking at the fish tank. 

"Hmm, no. But I like having them around, even if they are nameless."

"I had a pet fish growing up - won him at a carnival on the base in San Diego. He lasted several months. I named him Fred." 

"Goldfish?"

"Of course. Maybe I'll name this goldfish here Fred. How 'bout it, Mulder?" Scully had said, turning her head back to Mulder, a smile creeping up her face.

He realized she was staking her claim in his life by naming his fish. They'd only just gotten to know eachother, and Mulder grew more and more fond of her as time passed. They were exchanging keys now. Not as lovers, but as partners. Why shouldn't she name a fish?

###

Mulder watched as Scully's fingers twitched in her sleep. He grabbed them, rubbing his fingers in her palm ever so lightly. Her fingers twitched a bit more, then stilled. Sleep still enveloped her, and Mulder leaned back again, placing his hand back in his lap.

He felt the sudden urge come over him and covered his face with his hands. It was painful, fighting it, the need to kiss her mouth. He'd wanted to a fair amount of times, recently, but never felt the timing was right. It certainly wasn't a good idea to try to kiss his partner while she lay dying in a hospital bed. 

He removed his hands, sitting on his hands to keep them from touching her again. It was his hand connecting with hers that had done it. Her skin electrified him at times. The feeling was a new one, and he could pinpoint the exact moment it happened the first time.

They were sitting in his apartment, going over a case. he was in old blue jeans and a t-shirt; she was in her usual office attire - a pair of black slacks topped with a black cardigan sweater covering a dark red shirt. Her necklace dangled as she bent over to retreive a fallen piece of paper. As she'd straightened up, her hand brushed his, both hands resting on the couch between them. It jolted him, but he hid it by standing up, making an excuse that he needed to use the bathroom. 

When he came back out, Scully had removed her sweater, asked if his A/C worked in a joking manner. When she'd left later that night, her sweater still rested on the arm of the couch. Mulder'd placed the sweater on a coat hanger, placing it in his closet.

He did intend to return it, he really did. But it stayed in his closet. Scully never mentioned it, never asked for it back. He'd catch a glimps of it, hanging between his dress shirts, periodically as he'd get dressed for work. But it never dawned on him to return it. 

Now, his hands were going to sleep, the tingly sensation not from his imagination as he'd thought. Lifting his legs slightly, he freed his hands and shook them, reawakingening the nerves. The sweater, resting over his lap, nearly fell to the floor with his movements. He caught it, placing it on the bed near Scully's legs. 

"Thought you might get cold," he mumbled to her sleeping form. 

He patted the black cardigan with his left hand, his right edging ever closer to Scully's left. She shifted in her sleep, pulling her left arm away from him as she turned to her back. Her movements were sluggish, and she winced slightly in her sleep as Mulder watched.

He stared at her face again, easing back into a relaxed state after conveying the pain of shifting her body. Her breathing returned to normal, so Mulder sat back again, unsure of what to do. 

He wanted to take the cardigan back home again, regretting having brought it. He wanted to crush it to his chest, ball the fabric in his hands and absorb it into his own body. At least a small bit of Scully would be with him. Even if he couldn't grasp or hand. Or have her arms go around his neck in an affectionate hug, her small frame held up by the tips of her toes as she reached upward.

He wondered if he could ask Scully's mother if he could keep it after...well, after Scully wouldn't need it anymore. It could hang in his closet - a memento of a friend, a partner, her scent mingling with his own. 

He looked at Scully's face again, her eyes moving behind her eyelids. Her lips still glistened with the Chapstick he'd applied.

He bent over, placing his lips lightly on the corner of her mouth. It was a close as he was brave enough to get, and he hoped he'd be okay with it - that he'd be able to appreciate it for what it was, instead of dwelling on what it wasn't. 

She didn't move as he stood back up, and he sighed. 

Driving back to his apartment, he glanced at the black cardigan in the passenger seat, the rising sun beginning to illuminate the small silver buttons along the front.


End file.
